Where I Have Been and Where I am Going

Posted 24th of Sep 2014 by PPMD

Hey guys, this article is going to be much more personal than anything I've written in a very long time. I think you, the Smash community, deserve some honesty from me since I help keep the game entertaining, especially if any of you are my fans I do not want to keep you guessing. I am not writing a structured post like I usually do, but I will be writing more about how I feel at the moment when I start typing again. If it is confusing at any point then I apologize. All of this said, I am writing this post to let everyone know that I have not been attending events, tweeting, or speaking in streams is all because I am very depressed. I'll go into what I've been doing, what my plans are, and what you guys can expect from me in the next few paragraphs.

I have been thinking of speaking out about what is going on for me for a while. It's pretty difficult to do if you think people will not understand or tell you that you need to go to events instead of work through what's going on instead. I like attending smash events as they're fun and a lot of cool people go, but first and foremost I go to events to compete. If I lose, I feel quite bad since I always want to win. Not to mention the fact I couldn't really feel motivated to train or give it my all at the competition. The pain of losing feels a lot worse then something I want to handle right now. I think my efforts are better spent tackling challenges more appropriate to my mental state like losing weight through running and reading more, so I can keep my mind sharp and full of new ideas. I also really enjoy writing and helping others grow through that experience. However, just because I have not attended anything and have been withdrawn does not mean I have stopped taking care of myself, or do not wish to be productive anymore.

I have actually expanded my Smash knowledge and found a new thinking style that suits my evolving state of mind in this interim, so I plan on coming back very strong in Melee and perhaps Smash 4 if I like it. That is a pretty profound thing about hitting a real low is that you tend to really challenge your long-held views about people, life, and yourself and ideally grow as a person with new convictions. This is the type of thing that helps many people who suffer from some tragedy recover and go on to do incredible works in some way for those wondering if the phenomena might be related.

Despite my continual rate of improvement, I do not feel ready to attend Big House 4, Tipped Off 10, or TFC, which is in my backyard basically. I have made arrangements with the necessary TOs so they understand the situation, and I highly encourage anyone reading to attend such wonderful events. This is a great time to be playing smash after all! My next major tournament I will attend is Apex 2015 at the end of January next year. I hope to perform well at it and give both my fans and fans of smash alike a chance to see something new and specific to my own way of viewing the game and expressing myself.

Here are a few more things before I wrap this up. EG is sponsoring me, yes, and of course I want to attend events, so they can be well-represented in the smash scene. However, EG also understands my situation and is willing to work with me because that is a much better way to get me to fully feel connected to my employer and give my best effort for them. It is a business with a basic empathy principle I truly appreciate and I will be writing as hard as I can for them in the meantime, so they can get a good deal out of having me on their team. When my streaming equipment comes in, I will also stream more, so I can connect with smashers and bring content faster that way too. Lastly, I want to say something to all of the members of the community reading this: I would deeply value your patience. I am frustrated not competing too. I want to get back out there and show what I can do. However, that's not what is best for me right now though and waiting has been very fulfilling. I ask for patience on your part so that we can get through this rough patch more comfortably together and really enjoy Apex 2015 as a new year in many ways! Thank you.

About the Author: PPMD

Kevin "PPMD" Nanney is one the top professional Super Smash Bros. players in the United States and a legend in his home state of North Carolina. In Smash Melee, his Falco is widely considered among the best in the world.

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